In early 1998 I went through a situation that most individuals experience at some point in their lives. An experience that leaves you asking questions of yourself...and of others...but mainly of yourself. Oddly enough, the primary question is usually "Why?", and it's repeated over, and over, and over again.
Regardless, a year later I wrote the following. I'm not quite sure why I wrote it. Maybe I felt I had nothing better to do at that point and was looking to fill the time (that could be said of this very moment). Or maybe enough time had finally passed and I was able to finally loosen myself from the grip of misery and disappointment that had held on to me for so long. Nonetheless, I liked it enough when I finished writing it and it's been in my log ever since. I once saw a motto for despair: "It's always darkest before it goes pitch black." The fact is, there's truth to that. This was my truth that even pitch black moments may have a light...may...
"...Dusk has befallen over the land. The dim glimmer of twinkling lights rests upon the chilled Earth. She, although surrounded by life, encompassed by motion, setting beneath the masses, and looked down upon by the heaves above, like me...is alone. As she is lost within a vast and unknown universe, so am I lost in a world while struggling to stay alfloat in my mind chaotic. All the while praying for an inspiration to deliver peace to my inner-most being. My mental, emotional, and soon to be physical atmospheres are in turmoil. My heart reaces with ice and fear, fighting to maintain; the life renders it beyond shock. I feel no contemptment. I see nothing of much...and much of nothing. I look to the heavens above, and then deeper into them, searching for a piece of a peace. Something should bring me this. Something...somewhere...somehow. Am I destined to suffer a fate which has consumed so many? Be it I who must remain to exist with a heart of ice, a love lost, and a frost so cold as to chill the sun? I search further. The path I am upon continues to lose its warmth as the journey continues. Knowing not where I am, knowing not where I am going, I continue my quest for I know where I want to be. The search continues...
Dreary...weak...confusion...misdirection...regret...sadness...my traveling companions. They are my company...my confidants. Though we are not the best of friends, their presence is slightly welcome. They are the key...the bare essence of my mission. A reminder is the purpose they serve, keeping me in constant realization of my quest. Will my quest come to an end? Good question. What is the end I am destined? That is a question within itself...a part of my excursion.
A door opens; an inspiration is in sight. Reach it? Knowledge does not bear the ability to acknowledge wisdom, yet wisdom bears the ability to acknowledge knowledge. I have done neither. An actualization to a realization is what I claim. Realizing that I know and understand my goal is an inspiration. And within this inspiration I find a sense of satisfaction; within this satisfaction is a feeling of peace.
I begin to relax. The rush in my mind begins its descension in its speed of motion. The tension I felt within loosens its grip. Realization has brought upon me an aire of relaxation. The heart warms, the ice thaws, and the chill subsides. My spheres of being descend from turmoil, looking for its own idea of tranquility. A search far from over, yet underway. The sun beings to warm the hearth anew. My confidants leave me be, as their companionship is no longer needed...nor desired. Contentment now sits by my side as we view the dawning of a new state of mind. And from this chaos comes enlightenment."
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